Mr. Dad
Rosanna, Chan Lock Sang ¡¦65 Hong Kong
Why do people work? Why do most of us spend a lifetime 'working' somewhere?
The obvious answer would be necessity - food on
the table and a warm place to sleep. Others would claim that work provides a creative or industrious outlet
for their otherwise pent up energies. A lot of us are employees. Some of us are employers. But most of us go
through the motions of
building, creating, teaching, selling so that one day we won't have to. And if we're fortunate,
that one day comes
at point in our lives when we're still young at both heart and body.
Reflecting, I wouldn't say that I would have
done much differently. I'm a teacher,
it is what defined me through my working years, and it is what defines me in
retirement. Not working was never an
option. Even with the birth of my son,
all I did was work harder. One image
from my past resolves clearer than many other memories in all my years. It was around dinner
time. I was preparing the meal. My son Marco, then
about two and half wandered into the kitchen and stood beside me. He didn't do anything especially
memorable. He just stood there beside
me. I remember looking down at him and
asking myself "How am I going to do this? How am I going to raise this baby?"
He just looked at me, smiled and sauntered back to the living
room where he had been watching television.
Thirty years later when he was having his first
baby and announced that he was going to put his career on hold, I like any
mother would when discussing such matters with his adult son, agreed with him
outwardly but on the inside, I could not reconcile with his decision. Why would
anybody leave their career while
in full-stride to stay home? What about
the risks? What if he can't resume his
career? What if his wife couldn't work? What would other people think of him,
essentially 'taking-it-easy' during the most productive years of his life?
Years ago it would be unimaginable for a man
to leave his career, especially when it had been a very successful one. Often, even if the opportunity presented
itself, pride got in the way. 'I am the male - I must earn an income'. I'm sure that mindset
still remains, as it
certainly is still a quite a potent force in men (and women) of my generation.
As more and more men leave lucrative careers to become full time fathers, it
struck me that times really have moved on. And although the workplace is largely
dominated by testosterone fuelled
decision makers, there's a strong, growing fraternity of men who have decided
that being a full time father is really the most rewarding kind of full time
employment for the modern male.
In Marco's own words:
Brandon's birth afforded me the excuse and
luxury to take a nine month leave of absence from work. In that time,
I was the world to my son (at
least when mom wasn't around). People
joked about me being Mr. Mom, wondering if the house had burnt down yet or if
the laundry stack was over two meters high (no to former, yes to the
latter). Those who were less evolved
wondered if I had a problem that my wife earned a higher income (my wife is a
surgeon, I'm not) and that I was essentially the ¡¥mother¡¦ during my time off. Truth is,
if I ever attain 'Mom' rating and
proficiency, I'd consider my 'Dad' career to be pretty successful. Those even
further down the evolutionary
weed (we're talking proto-reptile whose rudimentary processing rarely strayed
beyond the brainstem) claimed that as a man, I needed to be the
breadwinner. ¡¥You're a guy - you need to work. What are you going to do, change diapers all day?¡¦
The time spent changing diapers is in the
minutes. The rest of the time is spent
playing, teaching, talking, reading, napping and checking out the ladies at the
local mom-hangout (this never happened...). My son's first word is ¡¥ Dehdee ¡¦ It is still
the only reliable pronoun he can
utter. Everything else, ¡¥ Mommy ¡¦ included, fall strictly to
chance, depending on mood and proximity to breasts.
Now that I have returned to work, I gravely
regret that decision. Brandon is
sixteen months, toddling around and talking up a storm. Every day that passes,
he learns a little
bit more. Every few days that I'm not
home because of a trip, he learns a lot more. His face changes subtly each day,
his sensibilities becoming
increasingly attuned to his world. The little baby that spent hundreds of hours
in my arms is becoming a little boy. A
little boy raised by a nanny because both his parents work. We get about two hours with him before he
goes to bed.
Now I am asking if it's worth it. If we can afford it, why am I not the one at
home taking him to music or swimming classes? Why am I not the one who teaches and disciplines him?
Why are we leaving the most important person
in our lives to a relative stranger who will inevitably take the route of least
resistance when it comes to discipline, education and guidance?
Why am I out there expending effort for a
bottom line that isn¡¦t for my own cause and quotas that have no real intrinsic
value to anybody except to a cadre of faceless shareholders oceans away?
Why do I lose sleep when I think about the
company¡¦s targets but allow myself to neglect my son's own development and
growth during this time when his mind and learning are most pliant?
I am certainly in a very fortunate position
to be able to have this dilemma so why am I so stupid not to have made the
right decision?
I know I have to leave. Every argument in my head is conclusive. I work,
if not for the current income then
for opportunities to earn a higher income allowing me to do more with and for
my family. But if in the course of the
above I miss years with my son, what did I gain? I know that in a couple of years,
if I don't sell millions of
dollars of a company¡¦s product, I will not regret it. If, however, I miss the days
that Brandon went from being a baby
to a kid who's lugging an overstuffed backpack to the first day of kindergarten,
I will regret it and will never forgive myself for not making the right
decision when I had the chance.
There's no question I will return to work. Brandon will go to school and I¡¦ll need to
learn how to converse with adults again.
Some folks feel a great sense of pride to say
that they took a company from nothing to something or that they started in the
mailroom and ended up as the Chairman. I think I¡¦ll feel just as good to be able
to say that I took my son to
the park everyday and read to him every afternoon before putting him down for a
nap. Yes ¡V essentially what every
stay-at-home mom has the privilege of doing.
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